A Date ‘Offishally’ Gone Wrong

'Feast' your eyes on Breanne Mastromarino's food pun-filled date night story!


By Breanne Mastromarino

*A Penn freshman couple walks into a Philadelphia restaurant*

Boy: I can feel it from my head to-ma-toes that this will be an amaizing dinner!

Girl: Me too- I hope this beets the dining halls!

Boy: I bet it’s going to be pearfect.

Waiter: Gouda evening, may I offer you both something to drink?

Boy: No way Rosé, I’m still hungover from last night’s BYO at Banana Leaf.

Girl: I’ll man-go for a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon please. I need something to wine down after pulling an all nighter writing a lit review.

Waiter: Okay, I will brieturn with the Cabernet!

Waiter: *brings wine and knocks over entire glass of red wine on girls white dress* So sorry, that was my miSTEAK! *Walks away*

Girl: Oh my gourd, that was so embarrassing.

Boy: Maybe we should merlot-er our expectations for this meal.

Girl: Ugh, that spill totally kaled the vibe!

Boy: So, I bREAD some reviews online and it seems like this place is wayyy better than the dining halls.

Girl: I actually heard the old chef pastaway and now they’ve got some new guy in the kitchen.

*waiter returns to take order*: What will you be spaghettin tonight?

Girl: I’d like a pizza the…

Boy: Oh crepe, I’m not ready yet.

Waiter: How about I come back to take your order when Açaí you’re both ready?

*Waiter returns 5 minutes later*

Girl: I’ll try the pork loin with mashed potatoes and asparagus. Seems so eggsquisite!

Boy: I’ve offishally decided on the salmon.

*20 minutes later, the waiter brings food and the  couple begins eating*

Boy: Finally, lettuce enjoy our meal…

Girl: I’d love to, but something on my plate is smellon pretty bad.

Boy: Can I try a pizza that?

Girl: Go ahead, I don’t carrot all because whatever it is, it’s gross.

Boy: Oh no, I feel like omlettin you down.

Girl: There’s not mushroom left in my appetite after tasting whatever that was.

Boy: Is it too choco-late for you to order a different entrée?

Girl: Yeah, I think I’m muffinished for tonight.

Boy: Let’s order you something else since you caviar disappointed.

Girl: How about cocoNOT.  no s’more food for me.

*Waiter returns*:  I cannoli imagine how much you both are enjoying your meal!

Girl: I don’t even want to taco bout this awful food.

Waiter: What would you like to hors d’oeuvre instead?

Girl: Nothing because I have a partea i’m going to be late for.

Boy: Avocadon’t you think you’d like something else?

Girl: Fork you. I’m brocolleaving! *Gets up and walks out*

Boy: Ugh, she desserted me.

*Waiter brings complimentary filet mignon*

Waiter: It seems like there were some issues lobstirring up in the kitchen, so this is on us tonight.

Boy: Well I guess I’ll appeachate this free entree that I have all to myself.

Waiter: Finally some peas and quiet. What a cham-pagne in the bass!