A Date ‘Offishally’ Gone Wrong
'Feast' your eyes on Breanne Mastromarino's food pun-filled date night story!
By Breanne Mastromarino
*A Penn freshman couple walks into a Philadelphia restaurant*
Boy: I can feel it from my head to-ma-toes that this will be an amaizing dinner!
Girl: Me too- I hope this beets the dining halls!
Boy: I bet it’s going to be pearfect.
Waiter: Gouda evening, may I offer you both something to drink?
Boy: No way Rosé, I’m still hungover from last night’s BYO at Banana Leaf.
Girl: I’ll man-go for a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon please. I need something to wine down after pulling an all nighter writing a lit review.
Waiter: Okay, I will brieturn with the Cabernet!
Waiter: *brings wine and knocks over entire glass of red wine on girls white dress* So sorry, that was my miSTEAK! *Walks away*
Girl: Oh my gourd, that was so embarrassing.
Boy: Maybe we should merlot-er our expectations for this meal.
Girl: Ugh, that spill totally kaled the vibe!
Boy: So, I bREAD some reviews online and it seems like this place is wayyy better than the dining halls.
Girl: I actually heard the old chef pastaway and now they’ve got some new guy in the kitchen.
*waiter returns to take order*: What will you be spaghettin tonight?
Girl: I’d like a pizza the…
Boy: Oh crepe, I’m not ready yet.
Waiter: How about I come back to take your order when Açaí you’re both ready?
*Waiter returns 5 minutes later*
Girl: I’ll try the pork loin with mashed potatoes and asparagus. Seems so eggsquisite!
Boy: I’ve offishally decided on the salmon.
*20 minutes later, the waiter brings food and the couple begins eating*
Boy: Finally, lettuce enjoy our meal…
Girl: I’d love to, but something on my plate is smellon pretty bad.
Boy: Can I try a pizza that?
Girl: Go ahead, I don’t carrot all because whatever it is, it’s gross.
Boy: Oh no, I feel like omlettin you down.
Girl: There’s not mushroom left in my appetite after tasting whatever that was.
Boy: Is it too choco-late for you to order a different entrée?
Girl: Yeah, I think I’m muffinished for tonight.
Boy: Let’s order you something else since you caviar disappointed.
Girl: How about cocoNOT. no s’more food for me.
*Waiter returns*: I cannoli imagine how much you both are enjoying your meal!
Girl: I don’t even want to taco bout this awful food.
Waiter: What would you like to hors d’oeuvre instead?
Girl: Nothing because I have a partea i’m going to be late for.
Boy: Avocadon’t you think you’d like something else?
Girl: Fork you. I’m brocolleaving! *Gets up and walks out*
Boy: Ugh, she desserted me.
*Waiter brings complimentary filet mignon*
Waiter: It seems like there were some issues lobstirring up in the kitchen, so this is on us tonight.
Boy: Well I guess I’ll appeachate this free entree that I have all to myself.
Waiter: Finally some peas and quiet. What a cham-pagne in the bass!